Jokes is a Laughing Matter!

Heed this warning. Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He Approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost My grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women With big tits."

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, Posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY??? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.
Oscar's Final headline, "WOMEN'S ASS KILLS MAN"

We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls". But do you truly know the difference? For the benefit of science:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and alcohol, with lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" I hope this clears up any confusion. Of course, medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie? She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Think before you speak...
FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" My husband said, "Not Me!" I turned around and walked out and never went back.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to relea se Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, And he said "No" I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

FISHING

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Laura's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check " "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!" When the repairman arrived at Laura's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Moral - Men just don't listen, he forgot to leave the bill!!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in he aven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves w hile the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really !? Like a newborn baby !?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkups, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married ?" "Yep!" "Do I know her ?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking ?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook ?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money ?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed ?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday !" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it ?" "Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis!"

Did you hear about the gay Jehova's witness? He kept banging on my back door!-Oscar

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long!"

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients stood up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until the vendor walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar (The Brokeback Bar). What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Gatorade-Is it in you?- Oscar

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Moral-Don't trust little Old Ladies!

The Doctor's Visit
An 80 year old man went for a physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor said. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?” “Oh, my Lord!”, Ethel exclaimed. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Dark in here....
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy,"I have a baseball." Man,"That's nice." Boy,"Want to buy it?" Man,"No, thanks." Boy,"My Dad's outside." Man, "OK, how much?" Boy, "$250." Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again. Boy, "Dark in here." Man, "Yes, it is." Boy,"I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy, "$750." Man, "Sold." A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy, "$1,000." The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession". In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.
Ball, $250., Glove, $750., Revenge=Priceless!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates." About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom


ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off. The straw and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."
The Brick house was Union made!-Oscar

The Wedding Anniversary
Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Janice, was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less then 8 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Mike got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mike has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.' This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well... my job is done...........Your turn!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? I know what time it is, time to get a watch!
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? That's as bad as, "We gotta talk!"
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'

Geography of a Women
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , With a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost the war and haunted by past mistakes. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide with borders now unpatrolled After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran. Ruled by a Dick.