Jokes is a Laughing Matter!
Oscar in Boron,Ca. New Years Eve,'06
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, though you can shoot him and make him dinner!-Oscar
Important Ruling just in time for Christmas
The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this CHRISTMAS season.
There isn't any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's Capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I've been married 32 years, I could've had 4 wives at 8 years a peace.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Did you know that diarhea is genetic?
A. It runs in your genes.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too
busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
"Eat a HUGE CHOCOLATE BAR", lie down and cry. You won't be crazy
forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
Subject: Dangerous Virus!!!
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private
life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known
as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
--------------------------------------
Find a local pizza place, music store, museum and more, then map the best
route!
At my age, I can't let anything cut into my leisure time!- Oscar
You are driving in a car at a
constant speed. On your left side is a drop
off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on),
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as
you. In front of you is a galloping
horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping
horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and
drag your mouse from star to star. A women is 86 years old and loves to fish.
She was sitting in her boat the other day when she heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
She looked around and couldn't see anyone. She thought she was dreaming
when she heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.' She looked in the water and there, floating on the top,
was a frog.
The lady said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful prince you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because
you will have me as your husband.'
The lady looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in her purse.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your handsome prince.'
She opened her purse, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
A guy walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot. He sees one
in a cage and yells to the bird, "Hey, can you speak Stupid?"
And the bird replies, "Yes, can you fly Dummy?"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders,
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene and in
one corner of the background, he spotted a
young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw
another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car
going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the
great game of football ....... and sure enough the Raiders go on to
win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You
deserted us.
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just
won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland." A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided
to get married. There was only one little thing bothering
me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her
private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did
it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She
said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want
one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was
stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,
and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my
father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he
would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log
on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each
letter out loud as he typed :
P... E... N... I... S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores
them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
them say the
following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed
sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't
speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'." A guy goes into a bar and has a drink. He looked in his pocket and has another drink; he then looks into his pocket and has another drink, and another, and so on. The bartender asked, "What's in your pocket?" The half-drunk guy says, "it's a picture of my old lady, and when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home!" "Priceless: Hangover"
It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?" A husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please
give me the strength to cross the river"
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!" A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See? He
mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "that's
once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable, and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more
operations he will be OK.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you
think they are twins? Are you blind, or just f&*king stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice." Have a nice day and welcome to Wal-Mart.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone." Heed this warning. Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the
Mall!
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with
the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls". But do
you
truly know the difference?
For the benefit of science:
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
My husband said, "Not Me!" I turned around and walked out and never went back.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to relea se
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said "No"
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Women's Ass size study: Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy:
"That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new
deck for the pool."
Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not
said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the
deal?"
Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said,
"Wear sun-block."
Laura's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check " "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog,
Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!" When the repairman
arrived at Laura's apartment the following day, he discovered the
biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she
had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in he aven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves w hile the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!" A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off
my electricity this morning."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really !? Like a newborn baby !?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two
gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is
the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...
the one
that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went
to last night?
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting
him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown." Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things.
During a checkups, the doctor tells them that they're
physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help
them
remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" "Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it ?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should
write it down, so's not to forget it ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream
with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write
it down ?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can
remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for
goodness sake !"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married ?" "Yep!"
"Do I know her ?" "Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking ?"
"Not really." "Is she a good cook ?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money ?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed ?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday !"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing
aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it ?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the
doctor spoke
to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma
and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart
murmur; be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour
and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis!" A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game
arrived, everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the
patients stood up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in
their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke
out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home
team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts,"
and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
Beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there
was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until the vendor
walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well... my job is done...........Your turn!
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' One for the
ladies
A gentleman attends an auction and notices that one of the items for sale is a large,
colorful parrot, and he decides that he'd like to own it. When the bird comes
up for sale, the auctioneer asks, "how much will you bid for this parrot?"
The fellow opens bidding with Seven hundred dollars, then Eight
hundred! Eight hundred and fifty! Nine hundred and fifty! This
goes on for the next several bids, and the gentleman bids One thousand dollars! Bidding
goes this way for several more minutes until the fellow finds himself the proud owner
of a parrot for $1200. He approached the auctioneer and asked him can the bird
talk? To which the auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against
you?" He replied, "No wonder, I got D. Bird!"
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY............
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."
I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!
I said to him, "Then which one are you?"
An American guy was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy..." remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
" 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
* Get your drunk ass off the
merry-go-round. *
Ray and Louise are an elderly couple living in Montana.
Ray, a retired accountant, had always wanted a pair of cowboy boots.
Seeing a pair he likeS on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home.
Walking proudly, he enters the house and says to his wife: "notice
anything different about me?"
Louise looks him over and says "Nope"
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Louise looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Louise? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S ADMIRING MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Louise replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat!"
A little old guy
is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crisssssssco!
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3.
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out
in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?" Husband says,
"Lard ass."
Scientist say the world began with the Big Bang, bullcrap, everybody knows you have to have a Big Suck before the Bang!-Oscar
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
The Perfect Quarterback
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest!
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal!
Old cashiers never die, they just check out!
Old janitors never die, they just kick the bucket!
Old comics never die, they just exit stage left!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
"The Faithful Man"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!!!
No Speakah De English

Haunting
Questions
Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Did you hear about the Gay Rabbit, he got caught by a Wild Hare up his ass!-Oscar
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference betwee n "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night
at a business function. He forces himself to open
his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
"Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and
got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!!"
Broken table - $200,
Hot breakfast - $5,
Red Rose bud - $3,
Two aspirins - $0.25,
Saying the right thing, at the right time...
Priceless !
This is for all you history buffs.
Women have PMS, men have the remote!- Oscar
Wal-Mart Greeter
THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father
were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father
said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother".
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
Approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
My grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women
With big tits."
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to
enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, Posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even
shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.
Oscar's Final headline, "WOMEN'S ASS KILLS MAN"
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and alcohol, with lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
I hope this clears up any confusion. Of course, medically speaking,
there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.
Think before you speak...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
Man's best friend is dog, Women's best friend is the dog's wallet!-Oscar
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his cousin in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
FISHING
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Moral - Men just don't listen, he forgot to leave the bill!!!
I almost had a wet dream last night, but I woke up in time to whack off!-Oscar
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Roses & Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
With this
See-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother
Just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams, these are
Modern
Times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out
she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
Grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The
Teenager
Wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that
she has
Friends coming over and that it is just not
Appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
Show off your rose buds, then I can display my
Hanging baskets!
Old Folks Home
Did you hear about the gay Jehova's witness? He kept banging on my back door!-Oscar
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the
roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl
into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night
long!"
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar (The Brokeback Bar). What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
" What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy.
Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Gatorade-Is it in you?- Oscar
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom"
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."
Moral-Don't trust little Old Ladies!
The Doctor's Visit
An 80 year old man went for a physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it
so when I get up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, poof! the light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is
doing fine! But I had to call you because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
“Oh, my Lord!”, Ethel exclaimed. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Dark in here....
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to
watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy,"I have a baseball."
Man,"That's nice."
Boy,"Want to buy it?"
Man,"No, thanks."
Boy,"My Dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy,"I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and
have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that. That is way more
than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.
Ball, $250., Glove, $750., Revenge=Priceless!
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you
"did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains
that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."
The Brick house was Union made!-Oscar
The Wedding Anniversary
Mike was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Janice, was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less then 8 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Mike got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mike has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? I know what time it is, time to get a watch!
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? That's as bad as, "We gotta talk!"
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Geography of a Women
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like
Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile
soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and
convinced
of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still warm
and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , With a glorious and
all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost the war and haunted
by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide with borders now
unpatrolled
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and
the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran. Ruled by a Dick.

"I don't know, last
I saw them, they .... " 
Hurry ..
hurry ... 
"Well,
years ago I might have ....."

"The main
thing I learned in College was ....
"
"As soon as
I get done here I'm gonna .... "

"The
coroner told me that it looked like he had
been hit in the head several
times with a ..."
~
no comment ~
No Comment
.... really!!!

"Not only
has my rear been itchin', on closer
inspection I find my ....
"
"It
figures, right after I got my Butts-McCracken condition cleared up, now I've
got an ...." 
"Honest
Judge, I'm not really a ...." 
"My Doctor
told me the best way to get rid of my
Aikin-Johnson was to ....
"
" After I
get all of these medical problems taken care of, I think I'll go get a ... "
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
They all lived a very Schitty life, and then just pooped out!
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to
report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the
few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole, hooked in
his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right
away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Vito's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Vito took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Vito's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Vito took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Vito took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Vito's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Vito took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Vito's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he
enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's
haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with
black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can
answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I
must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I
black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who
asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query
for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said
'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then,
there you are. You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for
certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with
white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you
is!"
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did the blonde walk into the building? She didn't see the door.
A red head, a burnette, and a blonde are all in the 5 grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why are blonde jokes so short? That way men can remember them.
One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he
stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the
washing machine?""It depends," I replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled
back, "University
of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are
dumb...
-----------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man
says,
"I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll
miss you..."
----------------------------
"It's
just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like
this?"
"Probably that I married
you for your money," she replied.
-------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
A: A
rumor
------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's,
were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good
fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of
them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a
trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
hands.
The man wished for a
female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he
turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that
fairy!
-----------------------------
Dear
Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to
understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN
------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys
whine?
A: They are practicing to be
men.
-------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed
man?
A:
Trustworthy.
-----------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in
your bed gasping for breath and calling your
name?
A: You did not hold the
pillow down long enough.
---------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are
sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps
them remember which end they need to wipe.
----------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail
folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------
Moral; Blondes get more bull for the Buck!-Oscar
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the back yard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this." She goes
downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is
still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our back yard, let's see how they like it."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a
killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" Blonde
says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says.
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of
tea, and then........."
He sighed...............
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box....... !"
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO
YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT
MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY
TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND,
BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN
THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME